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In 1979, on a school skiing trip,

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PE teacher Tony Mammoth
was engulfed by an avalanche.

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Perfectly preserved under the snow,

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he was found and miraculously

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brought by back to life

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over 40 years later.

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Wow, Year 10, that was amazing.

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And I know how much work has
gone into that dance routine,

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00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:26,550
so you should be really
proud of yourselves.

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Now, to finish the Christmas show,

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we have a very special performance
from St Erin's Primary School.

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MAMMOTH WHISTLES
Skipper? Er...

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Skipper!

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Excuse me.

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Change of plan -
I'm doing the finale.

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What about the choir?

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They are awful.
Just embarrassingly bad.

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They'll get booed off.

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I'm doing this for them.

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There you go.

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AUDIENCE MURMURS

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Sorry, what's going on?

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Right, to finish things off

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with some traditional
Christmas cheer,

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please give a big round of applause
for everyone's favourite teacher,

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Mr Mammoth...

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What? ..and the canteen's very
own songbird, Miss Pickering.

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SCATTERED APPLAUSE

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PIANO FLOURISH

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Yuletide carol...

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TUNELESSLY:


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Oh, God.

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AUDIENCE MURMURS

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ALL GASP

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You've left me no choice,
Mr Mammoth.

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I'm afraid I have to suspend you.

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Suspend me?

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Well, I never thought
they'd get to you, Skipper.

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Who? The suits!

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What's the charge? Trying to
spread a bit of Christmas cheer?

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You were visibly...

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..aroused!

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You could see it from 30 feet away!

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Hmm, 30 feet?

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You have to admit,
it was inappropriate.

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No, I don't. Mr Mammoth, please!

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I'm afraid you have to leave
with immediate effect.

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You're not getting away with this.

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Come on, Becky.

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We're leaving.

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Skipper.

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Oh, I hate that song.

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Right, that's the Christmas food
all in the garage freezer.

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Seriously, there's
enough food there to...

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SHE GASPS

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What the hell's that?

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Mel, meet Starsky.

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School guinea pig.
Looking after him for Christmas.

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Doesn't one of the kids
usually do that?

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Steven, Steven, Steven.

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You're a good kid.
You're a great kid.

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You're just too thick
to keep Starsky alive

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for two weeks, aren't you?

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Heh. Yeah, I am, sir.

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Good lad. Merry Christmas.

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I'm surprised you haven't been
suspended earlier, to be honest.

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Well, they'll have to reinstate me.

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There's a massive
petition going round.

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I've signed it, Becky's signed it...

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..Roger's signed it.

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You can sign it.

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I'm asking the Skipper to sign it.

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If you've got time to laze about,

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playing with your...
little fat hamster,

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why don't you make yourself useful?

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Decorate this place for Christmas.

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I already have.

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Pulling out all the stops.

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Mum, Grandad...

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Oh. Starsky?

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Here he is, my little stud muffin -
with a Christmas card from a girl.

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SHE WOLF-WHISTLES

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"Merry Christmas from Seren."

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She put a little...
little kiss on the end.

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Aww. Who is she?

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Don't want to talk about it.
Fine, whatever.

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I already know who she is.
I found her on Instagram.

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Turkey twice in a year.

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Parents must be minted.

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Speaking of turkey,
we have got loads of food in -

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why don't we ask her
for Christmas dinner?

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Mum, please stop.

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She's just a girl from school.
She...barely notices me anyway.

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Right, that is
Christmas morning TV sorted.

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9am, Morecambe And Wise
Christmas Special 1971.

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Then we've got Morecambe And
Wise Christmas Special 1972.

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Then it's everyone's favourite...

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As I keep saying, I'm volunteering
at the homeless shelter,

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like I do every year.

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Why don't you come?

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I would, but I find
charity work boring.

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But we're very low
on helpers this year.

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Apart from Imogen.

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Oh, no.

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Perfect Imogen.

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Quite the little festive helper
is Imogen.

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Nothing's too much
of an ask for Imogen.

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Is she single?

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No. She's very happily married
and don't we all know it?!

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She's just a very nice woman
who Mum irrationally dislikes.

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I don't dislike her.

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PHONE CHIMES
Barely even think about her.

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The Christmas presents have
gone to our house by mistake.

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Leave it with me.

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Your old dad'll save the day.

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I'll drive over there right now
and pick those up for you.

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CRASHING AND SHATTERING

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One soup.

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Super!

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There you go.

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, I'll see you later.

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Nice to see you. All right?

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Oh, sorry, don't mind me.

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Hi, Melanie!

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It's Mel. Just Mel.
It's always been just Mel.

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Oh, God, so sorry. What am I like?

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SHE LAUGHS AND SNORTS

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Er, love your Christmas jumper.

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What's that supposed to mean?

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Oh, just that I love your jumper.
It's really nice.

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Is it really?

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IMITATES WELSH ACCENT: Is it
really nice? Heh-heh-heh-heh!

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Cookie?

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All right.

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SHE SIGHS

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That's so good.

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Secret recipe.

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I could tell you,
but I'd have to kill you.

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Oh, your threats
don't scare me, Imogen.

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Right. Heh.

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Well, I'll see you later.

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Can you believe her?

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Imogen's great, ain't she?

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HE CHUCKLES

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So generous.

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Well, I'm generous.

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Oh, I am very generous.

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There you go.

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Do you like coffee?

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There's a loyalty card there.
Fill your boots.

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Oh, and here we go.

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40 quid.

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HE CHUCKLES
Fandabidozi!

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It's just Christmas.

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Soup?

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Super!

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Could I have 40 quid?

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No. Move along, please, love.

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Soup?

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Super!

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I remember Leo Sayer telling me

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that you can clean a painted wall
with a slice of bread.

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Oh, wow.

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Oh by the way, someone
stole all your presents

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from the back of my car.

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You what? Mm.

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Are you kidding me?

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No.

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How did that...?

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Why didn't you lock the car?!

183
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Well, maybe I've got a little bit
more faith in my fellow man

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than you have, Mel.

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Oh, well, that's lovely,

186
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but your fellow man's just
nicked my Christmas presents!

187
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I can't believe this!

188
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What, er, were these?

189
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Oh, me cookies!

190
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I made these for the soup kitchen.

191
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They were meant to make
Imogen's ones look rubbish.

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Ho-ho! Hers are going
to look brilliant now.

193
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You're not having
much luck today, are you?

194
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First, that business with
the presents and now the cookies.

195
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Oh, she's going to love this,
the nasty cow.

196
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She's a perfectly nice person, Mum.

197
00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:04,799
Oh, yeah. Yeah, she's dead nice.

198
00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:07,479
You know she called me
a bitch earlier? Hmm?

199
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With her eyes.

200
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I bet she hasn't had
her Christmas presents nicked!

201
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Don't worry about Imogen.

202
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Don't worry about the presents.
I will replace all the presents.

203
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Oh, yeah? How?!
You've been suspended without pay!

204
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I'll get a job, Mel.

205
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I'm not going to let you down
on our first Christmas together.

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I've got nine decades
of work experience,

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I've got an unrivalled skill set.

208
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I can walk into any job in the land.

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Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!

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Elves!

211
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Oh...

212
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Will you two cheer up?

213
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You're working with
Father Christmas.

214
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It doesn't get
any better for an elf.

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Focus.

216
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Send in the children!

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Ho-ho-ho!

218
00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:53,839
Now, of course, Christmas
in the 1970s was the best.

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Morecambe And Wise
on the television,

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a take-out of Watneys Party Seven.

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Ho-ho, you're too young
to remember that.

222
00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:02,719
Mum, Santa keeps
talking about the past.

223
00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:03,879
Can we go?

224
00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:05,719
Don't go without your present.

225
00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:06,799
There you go.

226
00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:08,199
Merry Christmas, young Jenny.

227
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:09,599
It's Ava.

228
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:10,839
Whatever.

229
00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:12,319
Next!

230
00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:17,320


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00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:22,279


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00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:25,039


233
00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:29,360

another winter's tale...

234
00:09:37,511 --> 00:09:42,959
I didn't think being an elf
would involve apologising

235
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,319
for Father Christmas so much.

236
00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:45,639
Thank you. Have a nice day.

237
00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:46,759
Two lattes, please.

238
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:49,039
Oh, I'm so sorry,
we don't serve elves.

239
00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:51,559
Oh, my God, Seren, it's...
It's me, Theo.

240
00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:53,239
Yeah, I know.

241
00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:54,959
Right.

242
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:56,199
So, what are you doing here?

243
00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:59,639
Dying with embarrassment. Could they
have put me in anything more cringe?

244
00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:01,279
This, maybe?

245
00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:02,999
Oh, well, at least
you don't have pigtails.

246
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,719
I'd take them over these shoes.

247
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:06,239
Talk about toe-curling.

248
00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:08,519
Shouldn't you be walking around
with a child with those dad jokes?

249
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:11,400
Yeah. And, look,
how do you like my bell-end?

250
00:10:12,671 --> 00:10:14,759
The bell...

251
00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:16,759
Sorry, the bell on-on the end of
my...on the end of my shoes.

252
00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:19,399
I wasn't... I... I didn't mean...

253
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:20,450
Oh, God.

254
00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:24,079
If you're quite finished, Casanova,

255
00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:26,040
I'd like my coffee still warm.

256
00:10:26,261 --> 00:10:29,679
Er, did you like my Christmas card?

257
00:10:29,680 --> 00:10:31,919
Yes! Christmas...

258
00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:33,599
..card, er...

259
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:34,999
I did.

260
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,039
Cards are great, aren't they?

261
00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:38,999
You're making things worse.

262
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,400
Let's go, Romeo.

263
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:47,480
Hi. Hi, what can I get you?
Cappuccino, please.

264
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,879
And I would like a new bike, please.

265
00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:53,879
Oh, what about your lovely mum?

266
00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:55,599
What would she like for Christmas?

267
00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:57,319
Mum likes wine, Santa.

268
00:10:57,320 --> 00:10:58,999
Isobel!
ADULTS CHUCKLE

269
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:02,519
Father Christmas is rather partial
to the odd glass of wine himself.

270
00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:04,999
Do you live
in the North Pole, Santa?

271
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,039
Oh, for a couple
of days a year, yes.

272
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:09,119
The rest of the time,
I live very locally.

273
00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:10,839
But you know what they say -

274
00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:13,679
when the elves are away,
the mouse will play.

275
00:11:13,680 --> 00:11:15,639
Does Mrs Claus live with you?

276
00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:16,759
No, she's dead.

277
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:18,959
Yes, devoured by a giant polar bear.

278
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,239
Horrific.

279
00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:21,839
I live on my own now.

280
00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:24,799
Her dying wish was for me
to find true happiness again.

281
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:27,239
I told you
to stay out of my business!

282
00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:30,879
Ho-ho-ho! That's no way
to speak to Father Christmas!

283
00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:32,759
Leave Santa alone!

284
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:33,999
Kid's got a point.

285
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,279
Aww. I'm sorry, love.

286
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,599
I just need a private word
with Father Christmas.

287
00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:40,039
Don't forget your present.

288
00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:41,090
Ooh!

289
00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:44,879
Aww.

290
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:47,039
Did you - and I can't believe
I'm asking you this -

291
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,919
did you put guinea pig
droppings in Imogen's cookies?

292
00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:52,839
Whoa, does Father Christmas
have access to a guinea pig?

293
00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:54,879
Will you stop doing
that stupid voice?

294
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:56,279
All right. What are you playing at?

295
00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:57,639
I was just trying
to take the shine off

296
00:11:57,640 --> 00:11:59,959
Imogen's Christmas cookies
for you, wasn't I?

297
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:01,119
Cause a bit of a stir?

298
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:02,599
Well, you did cause a bit of a stir,

299
00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:05,079
because Environmental Health
have shut the soup kitchen down!

300
00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:06,159
Bloody penpushers.

301
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,239
Thanks to you,
there's a dozen homeless people

302
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:10,399
with nowhere to go on Christmas Day!

303
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:11,999
At least they're used to it.

304
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:13,639
I was trying to do you a favour,
Mel.

305
00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:17,640
Well, do me this favour - don't
do me any more favours, right?

306
00:12:17,641 --> 00:12:20,039
Do you want a pair
of football shorts?

307
00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:21,090
No, I don't.

308
00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:24,330
Next!

309
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,199
Oh... Hi, Seren.

310
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:32,839
What are you doing here?

311
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:34,439
I didn't forget to pay, did I?

312
00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:35,839
No, I'm just on break.

313
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:37,599
I wondered what
you were doing for lunch.

314
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,279
Santa doesn't let us have lunch.

315
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:41,719
He says we already get
50 weeks a year off, so...

316
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,919
Shame. I was going to get a coffee.

317
00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:47,079
I do really like coffee.

318
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:48,839
It's a really nice hot drink,
you know?

319
00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:51,239
Trouble is, I don't like
the coffee at work.

320
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:53,319
I prefer the Costa near mine.

321
00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:55,999
I might go there tomorrow
around six.

322
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:57,639
Six.

323
00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:00,279
Well, that's a bit late
in the day for caffeine, isn't it?

324
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:03,199
You know what,
maybe you could go decaf.

325
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,680
For God's sake,
she's asking you out!

326
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:08,599
Is she?

327
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:09,799
She is.

328
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:11,239
Oh!

329
00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:12,290
Er...

330
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:15,759
Yes. Great.

331
00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:18,599
Yes. So, so, so, that's a...
that's a date.

332
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:19,650
It's a date.

333
00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:24,680
Yeah!

334
00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:29,399
LAUGHTER ON TV
Ah...

335
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:32,999
No, no, no, that stupid elf
make-up you made me wear!

336
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:34,679
This can't be happening to me!

337
00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:37,079
Oh-ho-ho, bloody hell,
look at your face!

338
00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:39,919
Yes, thank you, Grandad.
Fully aware of that.

339
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:42,239
But what am I going to do?
I've got my date with Seren at six.

340
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:44,719
Theo, calm down.

341
00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:46,519
I've got just the thing for you
in the garage.

342
00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:48,159
One word...

343
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,359
Possibly two words - sunbed.

344
00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:53,199
Aren't sunbeds, like,
really dangerous?

345
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,599
Everything's dangerous.

346
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,239
You can kill a man with a brick.

347
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:58,119
You still build houses out of 'em.

348
00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:00,159
Mm... I don't know.

349
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:04,399
Burt Reynolds, Oliver Reed, me -
what have we all got in common?

350
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:06,159
Drinking problems?

351
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:09,599
No. Golden tans
and flawless complexions.

352
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:11,639
Honestly, 20 minutes on there,

353
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:14,799
you'll be looking like
Engelbert Humperdinck in no time.

354
00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:16,479
Come on.

355
00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:17,530
Who?

356
00:14:19,271 --> 00:14:25,799
I'm sure there's a very good reason
why Grandad left you on the sunbed

357
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:27,159
for an hour and a half.

358
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:29,879
Morecambe And Wise -
Tom Jones special.

359
00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:31,479
How bad is it?

360
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,119
Am I going to look stupid
on my date?

361
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:34,519
No...

362
00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:37,040
Does this place
you're going to have lighting?

363
00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:42,920
Why is there water on the floor?

364
00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:46,679
Oh, no...

365
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:48,719
No, no, no, no, no, no...

366
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:49,999
SHE GASPS AND RETCHES

367
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:51,050
Oh...

368
00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:53,200
The Christmas food!

369
00:14:53,201 --> 00:14:57,639
Please tell me you didn't unplug
the freezer to plug that thing in.

370
00:14:57,640 --> 00:14:58,839
Well, of course not.

371
00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:00,959
I unplugged it two days ago
to charge the car batteries up,

372
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,599
but I definitely plugged it back in,

373
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,039
I'm sure I did.

374
00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:05,759
I-I think I did, yeah.

375
00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:07,359
I'm sure... I'm sure
I plugged it back...

376
00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:09,719
I definitely plugged it back in,
yeah.

377
00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:11,119
I can't do this any more.

378
00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:13,359
Because of you, I've lost my home,

379
00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:15,719
I've been demoted,
I've got no Christmas presents,

380
00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:19,079
no food and a son who glows
in the friggin' dark!

381
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:20,400
You look great, love.

382
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:23,199
I wish you'd never come back.

383
00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:24,519
Now, I know you don't mean that.

384
00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:26,279
Come on, Theo, pack a bag.
We're going home.

385
00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:29,280
But, Mum, our house hasn't got
any electricity or any gas.

386
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:33,560
And it's got no him either,
so it sounds perfect.

387
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:40,400
Oh, that stinks.

388
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:46,640
Ho-ho-ho! Who's next?

389
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,399
Gary? What the hell's going on?

390
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:54,879
You didn't turn up for work on
the busiest day of the year, Tony.

391
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:56,559
I'm only three hours late.

392
00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:57,920
You're sacked.

393
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:01,599
Sacking a man on Christmas Eve?

394
00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:03,999
And not just any man -
Father Christmas?

395
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:05,879
Well, you're worse than Scrooge.

396
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:07,359
Come on, Roger, we're going.

397
00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:09,159
Pub and midnight mass,
like the good old days.

398
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:12,319
No, Mammoth. Not going anywhere.

399
00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:14,520
Gary here knows how to treat an elf.

400
00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:20,200
Mmm. Go home to your family.

401
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:23,440
You're leaving me as well.

402
00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:27,320
Looks like
nobody wants to be with me.

403
00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:31,679
Kids! That's not
the real Father Christmas.

404
00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:34,199
His name's Gary, and he's a wanker!

405
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:35,600
CHILDREN GASP

406
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:40,639


407
00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:44,759


408
00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:50,600

a house that's not a home

409
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:58,439

a Christmas all alone

410
00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:02,319

since you left me

411
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:05,559


412
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:09,719


413
00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:13,439


414
00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:14,720
Who needs family anyway?

415
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:18,079
I got this far on my own.

416
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:20,119


417
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:21,800


418
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:30,039
Where am I?

419
00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:32,080
You're in a dream.

420
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:34,639
Barry, old mate.

421
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:35,999
But you're dead.

422
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,960
I'm here to show you
the ghosts of Christmas future.

423
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:41,959
Why are we dressed in silver?

424
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,960
I don't know. It's your dream.

425
00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:49,559
I'm here to tell you
something very important.

426
00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:53,679
I can't overstate how important
it is for you to hear this.

427
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:55,040
HE SNORES

428
00:17:57,480 --> 00:17:59,319
Oi! Mammoth!

429
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:00,399
Ugh!

430
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:03,519
How can you fall asleep
in your own dream, huh?

431
00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:05,399
Sorry, Barry. Go on.

432
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:08,759
I'm here to stop you
making a big mistake.

433
00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:11,360
You need to make things right
with Mel and Theo!

434
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:13,920
They don't need me.

435
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:16,530
Mel was right.

436
00:18:16,531 --> 00:18:19,359
I should never have come back.

437
00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:24,320
Let me show you what Mel and Theo's
life would be like without you.

438
00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:30,560
Well, come on!
You're supposed to follow me!

439
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,839
I need to ask you a question, Barry.
Oh...

440
00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:39,040
I need to ask you THE question.

441
00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:41,480
Heaven, Barry...

442
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:46,479
..is it everything we ever
hoped and dreamed it would be?

443
00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:48,199
What's it like, Barry?

444
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:49,800
Tell me.

445
00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:53,520
It's all right.

446
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:01,159
Why are we in my house, Barry?

447
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:03,199
Just watch, Mammoth!

448
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:06,520
And please, no more questions.

449
00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:09,359
Oh, great game of padel, Mum.

450
00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:11,639
Yeah, padel's the best sport!

451
00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:12,719
And it is a sport.

452
00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:13,919
No, it's not!
PHONE CHIMES

453
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:15,519
They can't hear you!

454
00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:17,679
Oh, great!

455
00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:19,439
The car dealer said
we can get a good deal

456
00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:20,719
on selling Mammoth's Capri.

457
00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:24,199
Oh, great, we can use the money
to buy me an electric car. Yeah!

458
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:25,250
Oh, God, I feel sick!

459
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:28,439
ROGER: Hey, guys!
Hey! Hey!

460
00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:30,039
Why is Roger in my house, Barry?

461
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:31,599
Will you shut up?!

462
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:34,399
I've been giving all of Mammoth's
old clothes away to charity.

463
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,639
Oh, thanks, Roger!

464
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:39,239
You know we love you living
here instead of Mammoth.

465
00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:42,799
And...can I call you
Uncle Roger from now on? Oh!

466
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:44,719
Aww, will you be
my grand-uncle, Roger?

467
00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:46,559
Of course!

468
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,079
And I think we all know
I'll do a better job than Mammoth!

469
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:50,679
LAUGHTER

470
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:58,319
Nokchoak!

471
00:19:58,320 --> 00:19:59,560
HE GASPS

472
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:03,719
Five o'clock in the morning.

473
00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:06,399
There's still time
to save Christmas.

474
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:07,559
Thank you, Barry.

475
00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:09,320
Shut up and go get 'em, champ!

476
00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:15,039


477
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:19,679


478
00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:24,439

and exchanging kisses

479
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:26,999

Christmas songs...

480
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,039
Roger, now, I need your help.

481
00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:30,599
Can you drive a minibus?

482
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:33,919
I haven't driven a minibus
in more than 30 years!

483
00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:35,599
Well, I need you
to drive one right now.

484
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:38,919
OK, but I must be back
in time for Christmas lunch.

485
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:42,439
We're having turkey,
pigs in blankets, stuffing...

486
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:43,479
..figgy pudding!

487
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:45,919
Oh, sounds perfect.

488
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:48,400
Anyway, look, this is
what I need you to do.

489
00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:52,639
Hey! Why can't you do this?

490
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:54,399
Roger, I can't do everything.

491
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:56,119
I've got Christmas to save.

492
00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:58,120
Please!

493
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:03,480

ooh-ooh-ooh...

494
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:09,759
Oh, it's you.

495
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:11,279
Can you forgive an old fool?

496
00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:13,000
No.

497
00:21:16,591 --> 00:21:21,879
I'll be honest, I thought
you were going to say yes then.

498
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:23,959
Listen, Mel, I know you're angry.

499
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:25,919
Let me make it up to you.

500
00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:27,759
I don't want you to make it up.

501
00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:29,879
I don't want you anywhere near us.

502
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:31,079
Who is it?

503
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:32,639
Oh, hi, Grandad.

504
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:34,559
Oh, your face has
gone right down, Theo.

505
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:35,719
Told you it would, didn't I?

506
00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:37,359
Mum made me sleep
with nappy cream on.

507
00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:38,410
Ugh.

508
00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:42,519
Listen, I'm sorry, OK?

509
00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:45,239
Just... I've come to invite you both
over to my place

510
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:46,359
for Christmas dinner.

511
00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:48,719
Oh, yeah? To eat
all the food that you ruined?

512
00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:50,199
Yeah, great plan!

513
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:53,079
Why don't we add food poisoning
and the shits to the list of things

514
00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:54,719
that you're going
to get us this Christmas?

515
00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:57,079
I have sourced other food, OK?

516
00:21:57,080 --> 00:21:59,759
And I don't want any help -
I've already cooked it.

517
00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:02,679
Yes - me, a man.

518
00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:05,039
We're having a perfectly nice
Christmas here, thank you,

519
00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:06,399
just the two of us.

520
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:07,719
Although...

521
00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:11,079
..there's no heating and
we are eating petrol station food.

522
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:13,400
Not that I'm not loving
my Monster Munch...

523
00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:21,159
I know I don't deserve another
chance. OK, Mel? And I'm sorry.

524
00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:23,720
Please, I don't want to be alone.

525
00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:26,170
Not at Christmas.

526
00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:33,519
All right, fine.

527
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:35,959
But only cos
it's friggin' freezin' in here.

528
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:37,010
Thank y...

529
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:39,679
Yeah.

530
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:41,160
I'll just wait in the car.

531
00:22:45,591 --> 00:22:47,679
DOOR CLOSES

532
00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:49,919
SHE GASPS

533
00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:51,719
Well?

534
00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:53,919
Mammoth, it's beautiful. Heh-heh.

535
00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:56,679
It's like a Christmas advert,
and a good one, like MandS.

536
00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:57,919
Did you do all of this on your own?

537
00:22:57,920 --> 00:22:58,959
Yeah, yeah.

538
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:01,159
Well, you know,
I had some help, you know.

539
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:02,639
Hot stuff coming through!

540
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:03,839
Do you know what, Mammoth?

541
00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:05,890
I don't know and I don't
want to know, but...

542
00:23:05,891 --> 00:23:08,599
..just thanks for this.
DOORBELL RINGS

543
00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:10,359
Smells like the rest
of the guests arriving.

544
00:23:10,360 --> 00:23:11,399
Sorry?

545
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:13,479
I know you felt really bad
that your competitive streak

546
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:14,959
got the tramp cafe shut down...

547
00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:16,759
Homeless shelter.
DOORBELL RINGS

548
00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:19,079
..so I've arranged
a little present for you.

549
00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:20,559
Stay there.

550
00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:21,639
CHEERING

551
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:23,319
Merry Christmas,
my homeless friends!

552
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:25,839
Come in, come in, come in.
Merry Christmas!

553
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:29,479
Help yourself
to wine, beer, champagne.

554
00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:31,559
If you're an alky,
there's buck's fizz.

555
00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:32,999
Or make yourself a shandy.

556
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:35,759
Aww, God bless us, everyone.

557
00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:37,479
Well done, Roger.

558
00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:39,039
You made up, in some small way,

559
00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:41,750
for all those mean things
you said about me in my dream.

560
00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:44,159
Any chance I could stay too?

561
00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:45,359
Of course.

562
00:23:45,360 --> 00:23:46,759
You won't believe this,

563
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:49,559
but somebody's stolen all
our food for the Christmas lunch.

564
00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:51,279
MAMMOTH GASPS
On Christmas Day?

565
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:53,039
That's unbelievable.

566
00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:54,679
Well, guess what I've got?

567
00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:55,879
Figgy pudding.
ROGER GASPS

568
00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:57,280
Figgy pudding?!

569
00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:00,200
DOORBELL RINGS

570
00:24:00,511 --> 00:24:02,599
Seren?

571
00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:03,919
What are you doing here?

572
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:05,559
Mr Mammoth said you'd be here...

573
00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:07,159
..through my letterbox...

574
00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:08,440
..at six this morning.

575
00:24:10,811 --> 00:24:15,159
Grandad, people don't really
do that any more. It...

576
00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:16,400
It's old-fashioned and...

577
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:19,640
Merry Christmas, Theo.

578
00:24:19,641 --> 00:24:23,199
Well, don't just leave her
standing there on the doorstep.

579
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:24,559
She's not the bottle of milk.

580
00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:25,610
Come in.

581
00:24:25,611 --> 00:24:28,999
I've told him. I've told him
you're called homeless.

582
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:30,599
You're not allowed
to say tramps any more.

583
00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:32,039
Do you... Do you like
being called tramps?

584
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:33,520
Is that...? You don't like that...

585
00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:36,519
Ooh, hello, Seren. Hiya.

586
00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:37,879
SHE GASPS

587
00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:39,559
This is just perfect.

588
00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:41,039
Well, almost perfect.

589
00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:42,399
One last present for ya.

590
00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:43,439
SHE SQUEALS

591
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:45,799
What if I told you the perfect
Imogen woke up this morning

592
00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:49,050
to find some pretty offensive
graffiti all over her front wall?

593
00:24:49,051 --> 00:24:50,479
You what?

594
00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:52,439
If people believe
one tenth of what's on there,

595
00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:54,759
she'll be run out of town
within the week.

596
00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:56,679
Oh, my God...

597
00:24:56,680 --> 00:24:57,760
That is...

598
00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:02,279
..the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.

599
00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:03,359
Thanks.

600
00:25:03,360 --> 00:25:05,919
I know we don't always,
you know, see eye to eye,

601
00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:09,080
but Christmas is about family and...

602
00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:12,840
..about being together.

603
00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:16,999
Right, I'm off. I'll see you later.

604
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:18,039
Where are you off to?

605
00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:19,079
Too noisy in here.

606
00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:20,799
I won't be able to enjoy
Morecambe And Wise,

607
00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:22,359
so I'll go and watch it
at Skipper's house.

608
00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:23,959
What about this lot?

609
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:24,999
Yeah, good point.

610
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:26,279
Er, excuse me, everyone.

611
00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:27,959
Just wanted to say
thank you for coming.

612
00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:30,279
Tramps, if you want
somewhere to say tonight,

613
00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:32,279
Mel's got an empty house -
29 Mill Road.

614
00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:33,919
Key's under the flowerpot.

615
00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:34,959
Merry Christmas!

616
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:36,560
ALL: Merry Christmas!

617
00:25:36,561 --> 00:25:38,599
Is...

618
00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:40,279
Ah, magic!

619
00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:43,759


620
00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:47,279


621
00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:50,679


622
00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:53,080


623
00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:57,799


624
00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:01,479


625
00:26:01,480 --> 00:26:04,879


626
00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:08,720

more, more, more, more...

627
00:26:08,770 --> 00:26:13,320
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